A Holiday Survival Guide
By Mitzi Wilson
When I was a teenager I hated the holidays. My parents were divorced when I was 13 and during my teen years neither of them had a partner with whom to share Thanksgiving or Christmas. As a result, one of them was always alone. My mother would cry as we walked out the door to see our father. Our father would stoically maintain that he liked watching movies and eating Chinese food on Christmas. I felt so guilty. Like it was all my fault and that I should be fixing the situation. As a result, I hated the holidays and stopped coming home for them as soon as I was able.
One of the reasons that I never wanted to get divorced was because I didn't want my kids to go through what I did over the holidays. Now I find myself divorced and facing a holiday season where I will be alone and my kids will be with their father, and his new family. Just thinking about it gives me a pit in my stomach. I know, however, that I will get through it. One day at a time.
Here are my tried and true methods for not only surviving the holiday season but thriving...
1. Plan ahead. You know that the holidays are going to be tough. Make a plan. If you are going to be alone make arrangements with someone else to do something. Reach out to family, friends, other single people. Just don't be alone. Unless being alone really will make you happy. Somedays a "Mad Men" binge and my needlepoint really are all that I need.
2. Put the kids first. Make sure that your kids get to spend time with each of their parents during the holidays. It's not their fault that you are divorced and they should be able to enjoy time with both of their parents. WITHOUT guilt. If the thought of them going off makes you want to cry, do so. But not in front of the kids! That's what the dogs are for...
3. Create new family traditions. I know that you and your ex had wonderful holiday traditions that you are missing right about now. Well, miss them and then move on. Make some new holiday traditions for your altered family. If your kids are going off for Thanksgiving dinner make a fabulous Thanksgiving brunch. If you and your spouse always made a Christmas Eve feast consider going out for dinner that night. Maybe with the grandparents and the cousins. Shake things up. But just a little. Too much change can be tough for younger children.
4. Take care of yourself! This is not a time to be a martyr. Do what you need to keep you healthy during the holidays. Exercise, eat right, sleep, indulge (within reason) on favorite holiday treats. My favorite thing to do is to get a massage. A little touch can go a long way.
5. Take it all one day at a time. Try not to project too far ahead. Take one holiday at a time. Projecting too far ahead can take the mind places it doesn't want to go, and doesn't need to go. Are your kids going to be with their father on Christmas morning? Think about the fact that on Christmas night, or the next day, they will be with you. And that Christmas morning will be over. And on Christmas morning you will have a plan (see above) to carry you through.
There is one more thing that I do, when the going gets particularly rough: I give myself a dose of reality. We all tend to romanticize what was, myself no less than others. I think about all of the wonderful, perfect Christmases my ex and I shared. But the reality of it is that they weren't all that wonderful. Now that you are divorced you have the opportunity to have holidays going forward that don't include difficulties of the past. Embrace that and move forward. It's one of the enduring gifts of divorce, the opportunity for new beginnings...
I am a certified life coach specializing in divorce support. I support your journey through divorce so that you can get what you need to emerge healthy and strong into the rest of your new life.
My website is http://www.oracleinclife.com. Come check me out and bring about positive change NOW.
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